Search results for Emeril is too fat from a Chinese soup
Rough Chuckles
10 natural language results (1117 ms)
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Ray's Failed Cocktail Lab https://www.patreon.com/Achewood/posts/rays-failed-lab-102613048
First of all, you can’t shake a drink with Champagne in it, ’cause it explodes the shaker and someone always takes it on the front of the pants (Beef, this time). Then, egg white gets everywhere, so you got to carefully sanitize the whole damn kitchen, which is the exact opposite...
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Beef's Zine No. 3 - excerpt https://achewood.com/2006/11/01/title.html
{{ Click here to see a larger version of this upcoming MWY zine No. 3 excerpt! }} Interview: Cornelius Bear --interview by Ed E. Haskell Many guys know Cornelius as a dude from around the *place*, an old guy who ain't got no family and rooms with the crew out of simple pragmact...{{ Click here to see a larger version of this upcoming MWY zine No. 3 excerpt! }} Interview: Cornelius Bear --interview by Ed E. Haskell Many guys know Cornelius as a dude from around the *place*, an old guy who ain't got no family and rooms with the crew out of simple pragmacticality. You would be all like, "Old dude ain't got a scene, hella sad" but you'd be wrong. Cornelius has been here and there in his months and the dude knows to get into a place where he has what he needs. Turns out he likes livin' with the spazz-spectrum they got goin' on at the Onstad house. Dude likes his space, but also likes keepin' it fresh with the Todds and babies and Métrodors and little otter guys. He is an unusual sort who keeps a lobe open for life, and since around here life is an ambulance eternally carting some dumb idea between two passing-out brains, he gets it like he likes it. He is patient, he is smart, and he is classy. He knows which finger to stick out during tea, and it ain't the one you think. I give you . . . Cornelius Bear. Interview conducted by phone on October 19, 2006 [[Three panels: one of Cornelius in an apron making the V-for-victory sign next to Vlad in a wifebeater captioned "Cornelius at the Badass Games," one of Cornelius drinking a steaming beverage captioned "Cornelius having a cup of hot water," and a stark white one captioned "What death looks like".]] ME: Cornelius what are you doing. Probably every moment is precious at your age. I'm sorry to take up some of them. CORNELIUS BEAR: I'm having a toaster waffle, actually. I've been enjoying these as an evening treat lately. ME: Are you serious. After all the chips have been counted, you like a frozen toaster waffle. Even though you have probably had *côte de boeuf à la incendiènne* done tableside at a place in Normandy in the 60s. CB: One wants different things from food at my age. I've pleasantly found that my palate prefers simplicity, the older I get. ME: Oh man don't say it. CB: Indeed. Some mornings, I don't even take coffee. A mug of hot water an a cold towel across the forehead serve as my liaison to the day. ME: Man now there is a thing. You ain't even need food. Your system is so fine and old that you just need temperatures. [[ A pull quote: ME: Which do you think is the healthiest Chinese dish? CB: [soup] ]] CB: Well, I don't know if I"d put it quite like that. I am eating this waffle, after all. For lunch I had some penne with spicy sausage that was quite nice. ME: This is a question. After you eat a pretty hot bowl of soup, do you sweat so much that you have to change clothes? CB: No. Soup affects me very little, if at all. It rarely involves a change in wardrobe. ME: Dang then that must be my problem. I always get that Won Ton Soup In Deluxe Fashion from Favorite Wok, you know, for three people, 'cause that's the smallest size they offer. I eat the whole thing up then, 'cause ain't nothin' worse than a day-old won ton. But then I'm like two hundred degrees on the inside, and the yoke of my duds is sweated across like a jogger. CB: That could perhaps cause some organ damage. If you cook, you will see how readily organ meats respond to heat. I have to imagine it's much the same inside of one's self. ME: Man so I am cooking my own guts with food that can't be right. That is like backwards divided by two. CB: Well, it's not likely to be a problem. I just want to indicate that one can off-set one's internal temperatures through volume eating. ME: Oh man you completely got me in a chunder and that is not even a word from America, it is a word from Australia. CB: Chunder . . . do you mean that you need to vomit? I believe the origin of the word is nautical, and was employed by the sea-sick who wished to warn those on lower decks to "watch out down under!" At any rate, I don't mean to make you so nervous that you vomit. The body is remarkable about seeking equilibrium, so you needn't worry unnecessarily. Perhaps let the soup rest for ten minutes before eating it, next . . . Continues for pages and pages in actual 'zine {{ From the six-page interview with Cornelius in MWY #3 }} {{ links to: http://www.achewood.com/rsrc/img/11012006_lg.gif }}
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Emeril and Beef abandon Téodor https://achewood.com/2006/04/25/title.html
[[Roast Beef, Teodor, and Emeril are running.]] Beef: Doggs I know we got to hurry but damn I mean reckless is no way to play it we got to-- [[Roast Beef steps in dog shit.]] <<Sound of Roast Beef stepping in dog shit>> Beef: UHHHH UHHH UH-OH OH OH OH OH GUYS GUYS GUYS DOG SHIT...[[Roast Beef, Teodor, and Emeril are running.]] Beef: Doggs I know we got to hurry but damn I mean reckless is no way to play it we got to-- [[Roast Beef steps in dog shit.]] <<Sound of Roast Beef stepping in dog shit>> Beef: UHHHH UHHH UH-OH OH OH OH OH GUYS GUYS GUYS DOG SHIT DOG SHIT DOG SHIT HELP OHHH GOD OH GOD ! Teodor: Beef! Snap out of it! [[Roast Beef faints into Teodor's arms as Emeril looks on.]] Beef: HELP OH GOD OH God ohhh god ohhhh this...juuust...ruuuuuude Teodor: Beef! Wake up! Emeril: We must clean off the bowel product before he wakes or this process will repeat itself endlessly I have seen it many times while Trashspotting Teodor: We don't have time to wipe poo off of Roast Beef's foot and wait for him to come to! We have to go save Philippe! Emeril: You go ahead Teodor I cannot leave a fallen man unattended in the field It is the Trashspotter's Code Teodor: Fine! I'll go into the dump alone and let the junkies play darts with me! [[Caption: "MEANWHILE." Philippe is wearing a paper hat and has a staff with a lightbulb and a star mounted on it.]] Philippe (thinking): Hm. Which will be a better raft to take to the barge? [[Old cooler reading "Cold-Filtered Coors Never Heat Pasteurized" on the side.]] Philippe (thinking): I bet that cooler would float pretty good. Plus it has neat stuff on it like Dale Jr.'s car! [[Old refrigerator reading "#1 CHOLO" on the side.]] Philippe (thinking): Better take the old fridge, though. That will be stronger in case cods or seals try to bite at me. {{alt-text: Roast Beef has a critical issue about critter skitter}}
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Too Depressed to Grocery Shop https://achewood.com/2007/02/02/title.html
[[Teodor is sitting at a drawing board. Phillipe walks up behind him.]] Phillipe: Teodor, what does it mean that Roast Beef has depression? [[Teodor is squinting as he reviews whatever he has been drawing.]] Teodor: It means he has trouble doing things like going to the grocery...[[Teodor is sitting at a drawing board. Phillipe walks up behind him.]] Phillipe: Teodor, what does it mean that Roast Beef has depression? [[Teodor is squinting as he reviews whatever he has been drawing.]] Teodor: It means he has trouble doing things like going to the grocery store. Phillipe: But that's silly! Going to the grocery store is easy! You just walk right in and there you are! Teodor: Not if you have depression. Phillipe: Oh, I see. [[Roast Beef behind the wheel of his car parked in front of a Handi-Rite grocery store.]] [[Roast Beef standing outside of his car still in front of the store.]] [[Close up of the Handi-Rite sign, but looking weathered and decayed, above the store entrance.]] [[Close up of Roast Beef with a pained expression.]] [[Roast Beef standing next to his car, head in hands.]] [[Roast Beef back in the car behind the wheel.]] <<CHURKITA-CHURKITA-CHURKITA-VROOOM>> [[Emeril and Spongebath in the store with a shopping cart, looking worried.]] [[Emeril and Spongebath in the same position, but with their heads down, looking disappointed.]]
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Serializer: What Were We Watching in 2002 https://www.patreon.com/Achewood/posts/serializer-what-133124436
clean? (subtitled) FOOD TV GOOD EATS Host Alton Brown's laughable budget once again forces him to pretend that styrofoam balls are food molecules. EMERIL LIVE Emeril makes a pot roast. In a surreal turn of events, the pot roast suffers from inexplicable and ill-timed flatulence. ...
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Friday Facts from Around the World https://achewood.com/2005/08/19/title.html
Header: The Philippe Times [...] Back Page: Around the World...With Facts! [...] Vol 7 No. 10 Body: Friday Facts! by Philippe, editor-in-chief! This week: WORLD FACTS! ***CHINESE FOOD*** Chow Mein is the Chinese version of spaghetti but if you put tomato sauce on it, Chinese pe...Header: The Philippe Times [...] Back Page: Around the World...With Facts! [...] Vol 7 No. 10 Body: Friday Facts! by Philippe, editor-in-chief! This week: WORLD FACTS! ***CHINESE FOOD*** Chow Mein is the Chinese version of spaghetti but if you put tomato sauce on it, Chinese people will be aghast! Chow Fun is a fat noodle, about eight Chow Meins wide (still no sauce though). Police: NEVER let a youth gang make fun of an older Chinese man on his way home at night. NEVER, EVER let them knock his hat off. I cried when I saw this. *** IRISH PEOPLE have heard it all before, so you can "take a hike." THE PRESIDENT OF SPAIN is the only President in the world who wears red jens to work! He doesn't bat an eye! AUSTRALIAN people... where do I begin. They have hearts full of love! Their women laugh pretty loud though. GERMANS don't like peanut butter or root beer! (They prefer butter and beer -- simplicity equals perfection!) [[Picture]] Caption: A boy from another land thinks about America. ITALY is the only country in the world where men are allowed to cry or pee in public. RUSSIA is thought of as a cold place, where serious men eat snow and throw cats at walls. You won't catch me going there, not for a million bucks. SWEDISH PEOPLE crave silence. AMERICANS have got it all! BBQ, tanks, rockets, football (our definition), and spaceships! Is it any wonder why the rest of the world always thinks about us when trying to accomplish a feat or a marvel?! I tell you, America is the place for me! If you are from another country, come here and I will show you what makes this country so great! (I get up around seven and we can hang out for an hour or so before the good shows come on.) [[Note from Beef]] Philippe is the editor of the Philippe Times. At five years old, he is my boss, and I am using this sentence to see if he even reads the paper once I have laid it out using QuarkXPress and printed it on the laser printer. --Roast Beef Production Manager
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Strip Roast: Oct 4, 2007, “MANAGING TODD” (the one where Todd eats "too much" underwear) https://www.patreon.com/Achewood/posts/strip-roast-oct-127380473
Image 1: IT’S ANOTHER...THE ACHEWOOD... SHEEP ROAST OCT 4, 2007 “MANAGING TODD” achewood : achewood.com Boss holds a telephone to his ear.]] Well, how much underwear DID you eat? Boss listens on the telephone.]] Boss reacts, still on the telephone.]] That’s it? Boss gestures whil...
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Emeril vs. Jesus https://achewood.com/2006/11/17/title.html
Philippe: Mr. Bear, who is better- Emeril or Jesus? Mr. Bear: Good heavens. Call me what you will, but on dry turn I'd go with Jesus by a nose. Why do you ask? Philippe: Because Jesus could turn loaves into fishes and feed a thousand people, but Emeril feeds that many people eve...Philippe: Mr. Bear, who is better- Emeril or Jesus? Mr. Bear: Good heavens. Call me what you will, but on dry turn I'd go with Jesus by a nose. Why do you ask? Philippe: Because Jesus could turn loaves into fishes and feed a thousand people, but Emeril feeds that many people every day at his restaurant! Mr. Bear: Ah, but they have to pay, and the quiet humiliation of going with tap rather than sparkling. Mr. Bear: Of course, many sources document that Jesus's fish was underseasoned and heavily padded with mung bean sprouts, so you've got to consider which customer truly wound up topped off and mulling the port. Philippe: I'm more confused than before! Mr. Bear: Dangerous questions take us down dangerous Paths, Philippe. {{title text- Truth seldom falls cleanly from the bone we call Jesus.}}
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Philippe is Fat https://achewood.com/2003/01/08/title.html
[[Phillipe is walking by Teodor. He is carrying a wrapped sandwich and is fat.]] Teodor: Phillipe! What happened to you?! Phillipe: Huh? Teodor: How much Subway have you been eating? Phillipe: Well, I eat at Lyle's Subway for breakfast, and Vlad's for lunch, and Todd's for dinne...[[Phillipe is walking by Teodor. He is carrying a wrapped sandwich and is fat.]] Teodor: Phillipe! What happened to you?! Phillipe: Huh? Teodor: How much Subway have you been eating? Phillipe: Well, I eat at Lyle's Subway for breakfast, and Vlad's for lunch, and Todd's for dinner... Phillipe: ...and usually I try to pick up a six-incher at Pat's before the Late Show. Don't want to leave anyone out! Teodor: [[angry]] Do you know what happens when you only eat fast food, Phillipe? You get diabetes! Phillipe: So what! I'll eat a candy bar! Teodor: They have to cut your legs off! Then you die a year later! Remember Waylon Jennings? Phillipe: [[thinking]] Oh my gosh that's right! [[Phillipe is shown pondering a scene in which one freshly-dug grave reads "RIP: PHILLPE TOP HALF 1997-2004" next to a grave reading "RIP: PHILLIPE'S LEGS 1997-2003"]]
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Emeril and Spongebath at The Smoke https://achewood.com/2004/10/08/title.html
[[Roast Beef walking past a brick building]] [[Roast Beef walking to "the Smoke"]] [[Roast Beef entering the Smoke]] [[Roast Beef, Emeril and Spongebath at the bar]] Roast Beef: I think me and Molly gonna get our own place Emeril: It is a fanceyful notion to make such steps a...[[Roast Beef walking past a brick building]] [[Roast Beef walking to "the Smoke"]] [[Roast Beef entering the Smoke]] [[Roast Beef, Emeril and Spongebath at the bar]] Roast Beef: I think me and Molly gonna get our own place Emeril: It is a fanceyful notion to make such steps as lead you to altar particlar when the mouth is ashes at the news Emeril: Me'n Spongebath we do not yoke the female unto the covenant of Matrimony and our days they are tranquil The tears they do come but they are not often {{Whatever Emeril and Spongebath find to cry about is beyond me}}
